


This Must Be The Longest Time I've Ever Looked At You And Not Seen You Smile

by orphan_account



Category: 8 Out of 10 Cats RPF, British Comedian RPF
Genre: Fighting, Love, M/M, joking, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-01
Updated: 2012-02-02
Packaged: 2017-10-30 11:55:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/331499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘This must be the longest time I’ve ever looked at you and not seen you smiling.’ and that thought alone tears at a little piece of Jimmy’s heart because Jimmy’s always hated it when something or someone takes David’s smile away and now Jimmy’s taken all of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Angels in the Moonlight

**Author's Note:**

> I don't actually know what I'm doing here really... so just play along, yeah? :)
> 
> The title is from the Torchwood Audio Play Deadlines (I think, it's something like that, whatever)
> 
> OH! And I THINK the prompt for this was that 'I'm gay' thing David did in one of the episodes... I can't remember now..

"C'mon, Jimmy, I was joking... you know I was joking..." David calls, slipping into Jimmy's dressing room before he can close the door. Jimmy gives him a withering glare but David just grins.

"You're always joking, David. Nothing's ever serious with you, and even when you say something serious it's always followed up with that stupid smile which just destroys the serious nature of whatever it is you are trying to say. Are you serious about us? Are we just a joke? Do I actually mean anything to you? How can I know when you're always joking? Stop smiling like an idiot and be serious for once in your life, would you?" David blinks at Jimmy, shocked and stung and the grin slides from his face, instantly replaced by a cold smirk.

"Well I have to keep smiling because it makes up for all the time _you_ spend being Jimmy the-Ice-Man Carr. But you don't want my smiles? You don't want my jokes? Fine. No more jokes, no more smiles, just nothing. It's over. We're done. Goodbye, Jimmy." he spins on his heel and pulls the door open before stalking out, slamming the door behind him. Jimmy stares after him, shocked and hurt, he hadn't wanted this.

 

It's when David pulls out of the next weeks 8 Out of 10 Cats episode two days after their argument that Jimmy realizes he's made a big mistake. He calls David on his cellphone but David doesn't answer and Jimmy takes a deep breath in to try not overreact, except that... when Jimmy calls David, David always answers after the first ring... now he's not answering at all.

"David," Jimmy says when he gets sent to voicemail. "We need to talk. Call me, please..." 

 

After a day of fighting with himself, David calls Jimmy and on the one hand he misses Jimmy's voice, misses Jimmy's touch, misses Jimmy, on the other hand he hasn't forgiven Jimmy for what he said. But still, he picks up his phone and calls Jimmy back. 

"You wished me to call you. Here I am, calling." it's not the words that hit Jimmy hard, it's the way David says them, cold, emotionless, empty, as if there's not a spark of life left in his friend. 

"David... I'm sorry... look... I know you were joking. I'm sorry. I overreacted, I was stupid. I didn't..." Jimmy can't even work out what he wants to say, "Look. I'm coming over, I'm not going to have this conversation with you via cellphone." he hangs up before David can even argue, so he just puts the phone on the bedside table and rolls onto his back.

 

Jimmy doesn't even have to knock on the door, he knows it's unlocked so he just walks in. He's more amazed than anything else when he finds the apartment dark and unwelcoming but still familiar. He frowns but doesn't say anything as he heads to the bedroom. He finds David lying on the bed, formerly _their_ bed, he's bathed in the light of the moon and he's just staring at the ceiling. As Jimmy reaches for the light switch David speaks. 

"I like how the moonlight shines through the window and bathes the room in this unearthly glow. The first time we stayed here, you fell asleep and I stayed up listening to the sound of your breathing and I watched you sleeping because you were bathed in moonlight and, it'll sound stupid to you, but I felt like I was in the presence of an angel and I was... it was impossible to tear my eyes off of you, so I gave up trying and I just watched you sleeping and waited, every night, until it was my turn to fall asleep and be bathed in the light of the moon, to become something otherworldly, unique, special, enough for you." he says and he sounds far away, as if he is stuck in the memory, stuck in thought. "But that never happened, did it? It's never gonna happen, is it?" 

David breathes, Jimmy watches, the light remains off as David glows in the light of the moon and Jimmy feels his heart beating too rapidly in his chest. He can't tear his eyes away from David, can't think. Nothing exists but David and the way the moon illuminates his body, making him shine like what Jimmy imagines Angels would shine like if they were real and Jimmy understands, or he thinks he does.


	2. His Tears Will Clean the Mess Made by You Tearing Out His Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy feels nauseous, feels like throwing himself off a bridge, feels like clawing his own skin from his body because surely that would hurt less than the pain he feels now because he has done this to David, he has broken him, no, he hasn't broken him, he has _destroyed_ him and for what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy's thoughts are the stuff that's in italics... like the actual full on sentences and stuff... yeah that makes sense. Deal. :D

"David... I-I didn't mean what I said. I love it when you smile at me like that and I love all the jokes we crack at each other. I miss you, I miss this... this... I miss the way I feel when I'm with you, around you, talking to you, talking about you. I'm sorry... I overreacted." Jimmy looks at David and bites his lip, just a little afraid about what David's going to say. But when David doesn't say anything, Jimmy realizes that he was scared for the wrong reason and David's still not even smiling to show that anything Jimmy said got through to him. Jimmy sighs, sitting down on the floor beside the door and leaning back against the wall, eyes still on David.

They stay there like that for what feels like hours when really it's only a few minutes. But they stay like that, with David lying on his back, his eyes to the ceiling and Jimmy sitting on floor, back against the wall, eyes on David and silently he thinks to himself _This must be the longest time I've ever looked at you and not seen you smiling._ and that thought alone tears at a little piece of Jimmy's heart because Jimmy's always hated it when something or someone takes David's smile away and now he's taken all of them.

David doesn't even give him his 'I'm listening to you, it just looks like I'm not.' smile or his 'I'm upset with you but I forgive you' smile. Jimmy realizes that he'd gotten behind David's defenses bearing the name 'friend' and then he'd stolen David's heart in the night, torn it apart and taken his smiles along for the ride and for what? What did he gain in tearing down one of the best people he's ever met? How did destroying the smile that brought so much joy to so many people bring him anything? It doesn't... he gains nothing good out of destroying David Walliams. All he gains is an angry, upset David Walliams and he doesn't want that because this David scares Jimmy, scares him because this David is too close to being him, too close to being Ice-Man. This David is too close to being the scared little man hiding behind the mask of the uncaring jerk and Jimmy knows they don't need another him. "David, say something." he says when his patience finally starts to drain. 

"It's not the smile." David says with a sigh, Jimmy's eyebrows go up.

"What?" he asks as David sits up and looks at him,

"It's not the smile; you think I'm angry or upset with you because you told me to stop smiling at you like an idiot. It's not the smile. True, I smile at you quite a lot and no one else gets the smile you get but that's because that's _your_ smile. But it's not the smile. I don't give a damn about the smile." he says and to prove it, the smallest smile graces his face and Jimmy's heart feels like it's going to beat right out of his chest at how right David looks now with a smile on his face. 

"Then what?" he asks when he gets control of himself once more. David's eyes grow cold and a scowl forms on his face, wiping away the smile, Jimmy nearly regrets asking, regrets stealing the smile away again. 

"You called _us_ a joke, Jimmy." David wrinkles his nose, as if the words leave a bad taste in his mouth. "You called us a joke, you insulted the way I feel about you. You wanted me to be serious, I am being serious, Jimmy, I was being serious. The smile means nothing to me, you do, we do and you... We were not a joke. You were not just something to amuse me at the end of the day. I genuinely _love_ you, Jimmy, but if you can't... if I can't make you see that then we shouldn't try to fix this because I don't want to constantly be saying things that come from my heart that you can't believe, I wouldn't be able to deal with that, Jimmy, wouldn't be able to deal with all the wasted words and all the wasted touches and all the nights that would be perfect except for the fact that I wouldn't be able to know if they meant the same to you... do they mean the same to you, Jimmy? Because I just don't know anymore... and I don't know what to think or to believe and it's tearing me apart."

Jimmy tries hard not to freak out when David's hands run through his hair, clawing at his scalp, Jimmy tries not to notice the way David is shaking, looking for all the world like he's mere seconds away from snapping. Jimmy opens his mouth as if to say something but then he closes it again. David takes deep breaths in and calms himself down before he looks at Jimmy, an eyebrow raised, waiting for an answer. 

"I don't know, David. I don't know. I thought... they did... but... David. The only way we're going to know for sure is if we work with each other to work through this. I don't want to lose what we have." Jimmy says but David shakes his head. 

"I don't even know what we have anymore, Jimmy. And no matter what I do, no one will believe me. Jimmy, I could proclaim to the whole world that I'm gay and that I love you and they would not believe me, hell, _you_ don't even believe me. I don't know what to do Jimmy, that's what you're asking of me and I can't give it. I don't know how." David takes a deep breath in and closes his eyes, ignoring the lone tear that makes its way down his cheek. Jimmy's heart skips a beat and his stomach lurches. The tears spill down David's face as his eyes open and he looks at Jimmy through a blurred vision.

"I can't do this anymore, Jimmy. I can't. It _hurts_ me to breathe, Jimmy, it physically hurts me because I don't know what to do anymore, my heart feels like it's breaking _every single time it beats_ because I don't know how to convince you that my love is pure, I don't know how to make you understand that I am not ashamed of you, that if I could I would happily proclaim my love of you to the world. I'm not doing it anymore, Jimmy. I'm done, if you can't believe me, I'm done. If my word, my love isn't enough, we're through. This is killing me and I'm not doing it anymore. I _can't._ " he says, voice serious and little more than a whisper as it breaks, body shaking as everything he is shatters, chest burning as his heart pounds painfully, lungs heaving as he takes shuddering breaths in, arms hugging his torso as if he's trying to hold himself together. 

Jimmy feels nauseous, feels like throwing himself off a bridge, feels like clawing his own skin from his body because surely that would hurt less than the pain he feels now because he has done this to David, he has broken him, no, he hasn't broken him, he has _destroyed_ him and for what?

_You did this, you forced away the smile that kept you going, you tore apart the man who gave you meaning, you did this, all of this, it was you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I doesn't own and stuff. And next chapter whenever... :)

**Author's Note:**

> Uhm... yeah... next chapter when I can be bothered editing it and stuff... *eye twitching* I really hope this chapter made sense... O.o


End file.
